My life path has been a search for significance, identity and value and this took me on many twists and turns, to say the least. As a young girl, I knew I was different, as I experienced girl "crushes" at the age of 9. I’ve always been one who hasn’t quite fit the mold even though I tried desperately for years to live up to whatever expectations family, friends, the Church, to even what I thought God wanted from me. That continual striving and attempting to find myself burned me. Whether it was silencing my voice to not ruffle feathers, to suppressing same-sex attraction, to even not standing up for myself when warranted, all of these things led me to sheer exhaustion. It’s tiring trying to be something you’re not. It’s damaging, depressing, lonely, and painful to one’s heart and mind to feel like you have to wear masks and pretend.

Most of all, I desired the people around me to know me and to accept me even if they disagreed with me. I remember being brave and telling my 6th grade teacher about being gay, and that was a disaster as my parents were called and told straight away. After that, any friendships I had with girls was put under the microscope whether by teachers or within family. I was told in no uncertain terms that to God and within the Bible this was a sin. I couldn’t help my feelings, so every time I was scolded for them, shame and low self-worth knocked on my door.

Being raised in a staunch evangelical home didn't help me understand the world of same sex attraction. Much of what I was taught was around being good. This meant there were certain things that were acceptable while others were unacceptable. The religiosity in my home weaved its way into everything. When it came to dating and marriage, my family in general adhered to the Traditional Christian way, which meant I would date boys, marry a Christian man, and have a quiver of children. I remember one time my father explaining to me that homosexuality was an abomination and no one who had such feelings could be a Christian. The belief that LGBTQ+ people can't be Christian followed me for over 20 years.

Any Christian fellowship I was in forced me to attend counseling sessions to to "deliver” me from lesbianism, and when that didn't work, I was flown to different states for specialized counseling (conversion therapy). I was constantly berated and told that my faith wasn't real as long as I said I was gay. This caused great confusion as I loved God and didn't understand why he had created me to have theses attractions if they were wrong. This inner battle caused me to believe I was wrong and could never fully embrace faith authentically. That God was distant and turned his back on me when in his presence.

Through a 14-year journey of self acceptance, I’m able to see people’s religious mindsets and conditioning caused them to treat me like they did. Coming to discern this truth has taken decades as I existed caged by loads of binding and destructive shame, constantly repeating out of my mouth how terrible I was as a human being. I’ve had to work through a lot and do more shadow journeying than I can count. It has been the deep dives that has caused me to view lesbianism as beautiful and all together lovely.

I like to study things, so Patheos blog has been so helpful in my journey of unpacking religious beliefs. Talking to many christians who are LGBTQ+ and hearing their stories helped me to not feel alone in mine. Finding counselors that were affirming and understood each persons path was their own in God has been incredibly helpful.I have read countless books and listen everyday to affirmations I created myself.

The good news is I’m finally sharing. Speaking up. Owning my story unapologetically with so many unsaid details still to be written. I’ve had to face people closest to me with the decision to live out loud. This meant doing the work of forgiveness—that is ongoing but gets easier every day. I've had to risk tremendous loss in relationships. I'm making new friends and finding new community that embraces me for me. I now believe I am okay. More than okay. I am a sacred soul that's pure with nothing missing. I understand God has always been fine with who I am. The universe is not shaking its head in disappointment waiting to strike me down. Instead, I’m hugged by the angels, and the unconditional love I experience in my heart has taken away the musings around self-hatred.

I believe one day I will find a partner who will share with me in a love story, filled with spirit, filled with joy and a peace that passes all understanding. I am worthy to be loved. Worthy to live. Worthy to breathe. Worthy to just be Ellen, and so are all of us who share in the UNCHANGED Movement.