I always felt different from other girls as a kid. In high school, I became aware of the fact that I was also attracted to women, not just men. This happened as I developed a huge crush on my best friend at the time. I confessed to a few people that I was experiencing issues with "lust" and "same-sex attraction". I was in a non-affirming environment, so they encouraged me to stay on the path I was taught. One (well-meaning, but misguided) leader even referred to my attractions as sparking from demonic and evil influences. I believed her, and fought to suppress my sexuality the best I could. Furthermore, I did not know that sexuality was an unchangeable orientation. Therefore, I thought that I could be straight and was just "confused". In my early 20's, I finally began coming to terms with my sexuality with the realization I didn't need to run away from who I am.

Growing up, I was always taught that it was wrong to be gay. While my parents were not the most conservative people in the world, they had still made disparaging comments about LGBTQ+ folx that I viewed as correct. I myself bought into non-affirming theology for some time. I was taught that it was the only possibility according to the Bible, and that anybody who embraced their homosexuality was leaving the "straight and narrow", so to speak.

My story is interesting, as my journey towards affirmation actually began with a non-affirming resource and happened almost entirely over the course of one year! For work, I attended a seminar by Preston Sprinkle and the Center for Faith, Sexuality, and Gender. For the first time, I was able to hear from Christians who were openly gay. It blew my mind and helped me come to terms with my own sexuality. However, I still remained non-affirming. As time went on, my understanding of Scripture as a whole was developing, and I wasn't feeling peace over my commitment to abstinence or the possibility of mixed-orientation marriage. I still felt stifled, unable to be myself, and deeply afraid. Both sides had good Biblical evidence in my opinion, and I didn't know which was right. Finally, one day I was doing my morning stream-of-consciousness journaling when God met me in a powerful way. In a way I understood, He pointed out that I can't know for sure and I don't have to know. That's why it's called faith. All I had to do was trust that He is indeed a better leader than I am a follower, and that He would lead me along paths of righteousness for His name's sake. That day, I decided to trust and opened myself up to the possibility of living an affirming lifestyle. Soon after, I texted a girl I had met months ago. We struck up conversation again and began talking about dating. It became clear to me very quickly that God's blessing and leading was there, and I decided to trust. Finally, I took the plunge into becoming affirming. I came out publicly weeks later. I have been seeing fantastic fruit from these decisions ever since.

To move towards affirmation specifically, books such as God and the Gay Christian as well as resources from The Reformation Project were very helpful. However, the most helpful resources were actually not related to sexuality at all, but were about how to understand Scripture! Inspired by Rachel Held Evans and books by scholar Pete Enns revolutionized my view of the Bible. I knew there was truth in it as I craved the words of Scripture as I never had before and read them with wonder. These books were the beginning of me falling in love with learning to study the Bible within its proper context, as an ancient collection of writing by ancient people in an ancient world trying to understand and know an infinite God. Over time, my overall views on Scripture became much more aligned with the way affirming scholars view the texts, which was a significant clue for me that I could faithfully serve God while being fully who I am. On a more fun note, my favorite song over the course of the year when all of this occurred was "RUNAWAY" by half alive. I highly recommend giving it a listen. The lyrics speak of finding out that who you are is actually who you should be, and that you don't need to run away from that. I am a musician and love worshipping God through song, so this tune became like an anthem to me during this time.

My life is wonderful as I, as my mother would say, am living as my "true self". I am the most peace-filled and free I have ever been in my life! My mental health has stayed consistently great during the winter (when it has almost always been poor), and I'm able to live in more authentic relationship with the people around me. After leaving behind shame and suppression of this core part of myself, I have also been able to leave it behind in many other areas and am living in freedom. My creativity (I am a poet, writer, and musician) has skyrocketed since I finally have the ability to be honest in what I make. Before, I wasn't being honest with myself, so I definitely couldn't do it with others. And it turns out I greatly enjoy writing word poems, so I definitely needed to become affirming! The best part is that I am now dating a woman who is amazing beyond my wildest dreams and also in love with Jesus. There is no doubt in my mind that God is rejoicing over and blessing our relationship as we progress.