My family would always watch Survivor together on Thursday nights, and I found myself drawn to the men. I didn’t have the language to call it attraction, but it was then that I came to understand I was different. It was a terrifying realization because gay people weren’t talked about.

I was taught that you couldn’t be gay and Christian, so it was a big mental hurdle for me. I remember watching YouTube videos on “same sex attraction and Christianity” and seeing a suggested video with the term “gay Christian” on it, and I couldn’t comprehend it.

I was starting to read up on Greek and Hebrew language and was beginning to learn the roots of the clobber passages, but I found most of the barriers to be social. What did it for me was going to a queer Christian support group. I was borderline suicidal at the time and I’d never met a trans person before, and sitting a few people down from me was a trans woman who I kept looking at. I thought about how I didn’t understand her but then it hit me that this is how other people feel about my sexuality, and I am completely and wholeheartedly me.

Torn by Justin Lee gave me the knowledge and understanding of different interpretations of Scripture and how the Church has failed affirming gay Christians and celibate gay Christians. It gave no pressure to believe one way or another, it was pure honesty.

Now I’ve deconstructed much of my faith and left the Evangelical space and find comfort in the grey. I don’t feel hopeless or suicidal anymore or have that terrible guilt Christians said I would for living my “lifestyle.” I met my amazing partner three years ago who I love fiercely and plan to make a family with. Only a couple family members are supportive of us, so learning to have boundaries has been key. There are still some tough days and relationships have changed, but I finally feel fully me which is a whole new kind of freedom. I hope all my family will one day be able to celebrate that with me, too.