In 2008 (9th grade, around 14 years old), sitting in the band room putting my flute together while the guard girls picked up their flags, my friend came to sit beside me. “Do you want to be my girlfriend?” she asked.

I wondered if I was staring at them too hard. Puzzled, I replied “I’m not —”

“I’m not saying a real girlfriend; a play one. I have plenty of them in the guard,” she interrupted before I could respond. We were friends so I did not see the harm in pretending to be her girlfriend. As time went on, we fostered a genuine romantic relationship. She wrote me a letter professing her love and I left it in a bathroom at home.

I honestly did not have any feelings about queer people early in my life; I was not in community with anyone who was gay and I had definitely never met anyone who was an LGBTQ+ Christian (I learned it was an oxymoron). However, after my mom found my letter, I was made aware of what my beliefs should have been toward LGBTQ+ people. My grandma read me the six verses (that appeared) to condemn same-sex relationships, anointed and prayed for, and rebuked—my family wanted the demon of homosexuality out of me. I internalized all of this, and started to dislike myself. I prayed to change, I asked God to take my desire away, and when I noticed God wasn't doing that for me, I started to doubt God's existence. I believed it was impossible to be gay and a Christian; I believed it was bad to even be gay.

Now, I know that my sexual orientation and gender identity aren't aspects of my identity that should bring me shame; they shouldn't be condemned. I've found that God does love me, wholly and fully, and that sometimes Gods people fall short in terms of loving the way Jesus did and does. I've found that God is pleased with me living in my truth; the truth of who I was created to be. I was able to un-learn the harmful idea that the Bible condemns the way I love and that the Bible condemns the way I (don't) experience gender. It did not happen overnight though. My beliefs have changed only over the past two years. I have been able to find ways to affirm myself using Scripture... the same scriptures that were weaponized against me in my youth. I have been able to dig in to affirming theology, and I have been able to find communities of people who are willing to converse with me about faith and sexuality in ways that are life-giving and feel more like Truth.

I was able to change my beliefs by being in relationships. Initially, through attending the 2018 Equipped for Change Conference where I met so many queer Christians of color, and then becoming a member of the Reformation Projects' 2019 Leadership Develop Cohort. After that, I was able to independently find resources by Black theologians about the history of homophobia in the Black church. I was able to explore free resources by Q Christian Fellowship as well. I found an affirming church that was able to give me a sense of community; I joined a queer small group which continues to be life-giving. I was also able to connect with other people who have experienced religious trauma/spiritual trauma and vent with them. The most instrumental resource was definitely people; the reading also helped.

I'd say my life is so much better now that I don't feel any religious guilt about my sexual orientation and especially now that I can receive and experience the truth of Gods love. It's even better now that I am able to be in relationship with other queer spiritual people, be they Christian or not. I feel good about who I am. I have stopped asking God to change me. My life is filled with much more seeking; I'm looking for life-giving ways to restore my spiritual life, I'm enjoying fellowship with a congregation that does not preach against my identities, and I'm working to make sure this same painful cycle of spiritual bullying/abuse/trauma isn't perpetuated for future generations.