I honestly didn't have words for the way I had felt ever since I was a kid, but around the time I was 24, it was all starting to make sense. I was starting to have real feelings for someone who happened to be a woman, and it honestly sent me into a panic, since this was never supposed to happen. In fact, it was the worst thing that could be happening. I mean, I was a Christian! We didn’t "do" that. So I refused to believe it and buried it deep in my soul.

I didn’t think LGBTQ+ Christians existed. I grew up in the evangelical church in Puerto Rico, and you were either in or you were out -- and the gays were certainly out. I believed that to identify as LGBTQ+ was a direct rebellion against God. That marrying another woman would never be God’s will for my life, and that accepting that identity meant that I was being deceived by the devil himself. I knew Christians existed and I knew LGBTQ+ people existed, but I also believed that these two identities were most certainly mutually exclusive.

My beliefs could not be more different now than the way I grew up. The small, tight boxes I had put God in have exploded into a beautiful and mysterious being that I know loves me more than I can imagine or comprehend. I believe God looks at the heart and I believe God affirms my queer identity as beloved and unique, to be used to show the world Their love and creativity. I believe God wants inclusion as a part of society because if we claim that Jesus was God incarnate, then we have to look at how he lived his life. He was obsessed with bringing the marginalized in. He was obsessed with bringing justice to the afflicted and the outcast. And he was obsessed with showing religious leaders how they had misconstrued laws that were meant to include and help, into laws that only excluded people. This is the God I now believe in.

Attending an affirming church for the first time was the first step toward affirmation. I remember going in and seeing people worship freely while being themselves and I spent half the service just crying because I did not think a place like this existed. I later found out about Q Christian Fellowship and found a lot of community there as well. This led me to discover certain books like Torn by Justin Lee, and The Peace Seeker by Susan Gilmore, which kept showing me that affirmation was a real thing that real people were experiencing in their own lives. Above all though, it was spending time with God that really sealed the deal for me. For so long I had listened to other people’s voices which condemned me, but I remember spending time meditating and asking God the tough questions, to which all I received back was a deep sense of peace and a calling toward living authentically.

Sometimes I look back at this journey of coming out and all I can do is breathe out a huge “thank you.” My life now is full of, well, life! I am no longer bound by the shame and guilt that plagued me for years regarding my sexuality. I can now worship freely and authentically. I found community! Coming out has also given me a sense of purpose, so I am studying to become a therapist and I’m excited that I get to use parts of my story to help heal others that might be in the same journey. I am alive, I am loved, and I am free!