Though there were likely signs beforehand, my first actual realization that I was attracted to the same sex became apparent in middle school. Back in the days of Myspace, I would find open and out boys (at that time, mostly emo boys lol) and I was so intrigued by them. I had little cyber crushes on them having never spoken to them. And of course, this was the very early 2000's, so our dial-up took forever and there were several times my parents were interested in what I was looking at. Though they caught me several times, they still acted surprised when I finally came out to them.

Honestly, I had no idea that they existed. I grew up in a fundamentalist Southern Baptist church in central Alabama. Nobody was gay growing up. At least, nobody was out. I was very sheltered. It wasn't even until my senior year of high school that I even met someone who wasn't a believer. When I finally became aware of Queer Christians, my early beliefs were that they were making excuses for their sin. I was so deep in my fundamentalist faith that absolutely any questioning of one aspect of faith was to dismantle all of it. And I was not ready for that at that time.

I had to do a lot of deconstruction before I could begin reconciling my faith and sexuality. First, I had to let go of the idol I had made out of the Bible. That may sound weird to some but I found that in my upbringing, we had often placed Scripture above what we knew to be true of the Divine and what we knew of Jesus. That is weaponizing Scripture while knowing that Jesus did the absolute opposite of that. Once I had let go of the Bible as an idol, I could begin to understand it in a non-literal sense. I began to understand context and the cultural and societal influence in Scripture. I began to read biblical criticism. This part of my deconstruction process was very difficult to stomach at times but it gave me a much more authentic faith. I began to have agency over my faith and belief system. Now this opened a whole flood of thoughts surrounding many tenets of faith aside from sexuality. My theology around salvation, atonement, and the afterlife also began to be dismantled and reconstructed in a way that was developed by my own discernment and study.

I read a lot of books. I read a lot of commentaries on the Bible to help me understand exactly what the bible was. I came to find out that it was nothing like what I thought it was, and yet it was so much more. I also found it extremely helpful to find community while I was deconstructing. At the time that I came out, GayChurch.org was a huge resource for me. Their website had a lot of information surrounding Homosexuality and the Bible and so many other things. It was also incredibly helpful to see the numerous congregations that were Open and Affirming all across the nation. I went through and looked at all of their websites. That was in the mid-2000's so that list of churches has only gotten much longer.

When I am helping those who are going through this same process that I went through, I now recommend books like What Is the Bible? by Rob Bell, Making Sense of the Bible by Adam Hamilton, and Beyond Shame by Matthias Roberts. These books are relatively new and are very easy reads.

My life now is great. I am in Seminary because I feel called to help others who have had their world turned upside down trying to reconcile how they feel and what they believe. I came out to my family and it was hard. It still is. I suspect it will be for a while. However, they have made great progress and I know that love can conquer all fear. I work at a church that is open and affirming and was the first in our denomination (Disciples of Christ) to be open affirming in the entire state of Tennessee. I began a project writing worship music that is inclusive and even had some of it published in a Queer Hymnody Collection by the Hymn Society. Because of our leadership, several other churches in the denominations have followed suit. I am engaged to my fiance Tyler, and we are getting married later this year. To go from not being able to fathom the possibility of being queer and a Christian to being able to accept and affirm my sexuality and to reconcile it fully with my faith is nothing short of a miracle. I hope to help others come to the realization that they are made as God intended, and that God delights in them, queerness and all.