Adam Buck
When I was in middle school, I recognized there was something different about me. My friends were all talking about girls and trying to get them to "go out" with them. I wanted to be with the guys, and noticed while this was occurring that I'd pay more attention to other boys in school than girls. It seemed to me that I might be attracted to them more than girls, but I pushed those feelings deep down inside. I didn't see the draw or purpose in dating girls, but all my friends were doing it. I attempted to do the same, but all of my girlfriends ended up being just friends. It was so awkward.
I was raised to believe that homosexuality was a sin, not greater than any other, but still a condition needing prayer and fasting to "break." It never occurred to me, in my youth, that God could actually embrace someone with this "condition." I spent years trying to hide this part of myself from myself and everyone else. It caused me so much pain. I have begged, pleaded, and cried so hard, asking God to remove this thorn in my flesh. It only got worse as I got older. I have abused substances as a means of coping and tried giving up God altogether. I have wasted so much time and life in deep states of depression, constantly anxious. I contemplated ending my life countless times.
For so long my thoughts and feelings did not change- even when I was presented with facts to argue God loves LGBTQ+ people as they are. I was so hardened to the idea that God could still love me that I could not accept it. Recently. I've had a change of heart. I am now seeing that God never said the things I believed about myself and my LGBTQ+ siblings. Jesus said believe in Him and be saved, and I'd done that 1000 times... but I had been convinced it wasn't enough. Jesus’ blood is enough, though! He covered all my sins, but I see now that being gay was never one of them! I now long for community with my brothers and sisters in Christ whereas before, I'd flee from them.
[An important resource for me was] the book "Openly Gay, Openly Christian." I'd tried to read books like it before, but back then I couldn't receive the message. I was too far gone in my belief that there was no hope for me. I was too afraid I'd secure my ticket to hell if I believed in such feel-good theology. Having so many wonderful LGBTQ+ people come into my life without faith and more often angry at God showed me there was something wrong. These people had been hurt. They'd been shunned. They had been told the same things I'd been told, and it sent them packing. I think God is trying to reach our community more than ever in this age. That made me feel hopeful for the first time in a long time.
I am now trying to find my way back to fellowship with my siblings in Christ. I'm unchanged, but becoming more like the man God intended me to be. Fully out, and fully committed to Him. I am hopeful for the future. Life isn't as difficult to live anymore, although there's still plenty of trials. I actually believe God is for me, and not against me. I look forward to meeting the man God intends me to marry. I look forward to a life in service to the one who called me up from the dead, and who has promised me an eternity with Him. I'm thankful to be free from the bondage of lies I have lived under my entire life. I am free.