Bri M.

I noticed my sexuality later than most in my youth. I realized in college that I found both guys and girls attractive, but I didn’t act out on it. I didn’t really understand my sexuality until 2019 when I started to have a crush on one of my good friends. It was my first time ever liking a girl, and I noticed my emotions were so intense. It felt like I was on fire. It was new and scary for me. I never knew a crush could be like that.

I grew up in a very evangelical home in the height of purity culture. I was taught and raised upon the belief that you could not be gay and a Christian. I went to a Christian school. I grew up knowing that homosexuality was a sin and something that people needed to fix. But there was always something in my head that was telling me, “No, this is wrong. This isn’t God’s love.” Yet, I was being told constantly that this was wrong, loving someone who has the same gender as you is a sin.

I started to change my beliefs once I entered public high school. I started meeting people who were part of the LGBTQ+ umbrella, and all of them were so nice. They were so kind and loving. They were not who I was told they were. Then in college, I started to be involved with Tumblr, and I realized that I did like girls as well as guys. As time went on, I started to wrestle with my own faith.

It wasn’t until 2020 when it came to a head, and I realized I was gay. I realized I was a lesbian. But my faith? What about the faith I had had since I was five years old? I Googled, “Can you be gay and a Christian?” I was overwhelmed with the amount of material there was. I didn’t think there were others like me. I thought I was alone. But I wasn’t. There were others just like me out there.

I’m still working my way through the list of resources I discovered and I created my own document to keep track of them. Reading Untamed by Glennon Doyle helped me embrace my own sexuality. Reading Unclobber by Colby Martin introduced me to the Clobber passages. I was referred to Beloved Arise, and of course, I found Q Christian Fellowship. I also read Bad Theology Kills by Kevin Garcia, and I felt part of my own story being reflected in their book. I listened to a few conversations featuring Amber Cantorna.

The thing is, there are many resources out there now. We just don’t know where to look. Not everyone will have the same story as you. These resources are out there to help you on your journey to discover and embrace your beautiful life.

I’m still not out to my family. I am only out to a select few because this is such a scary, personal thing. I feel more connected to my faith more than ever. I have done my research, have made wonderful friends through QCF Community Groups, and am trying my hardest to live the example I know I should be. 

But it is also hard. This is only the start of my journey and eventually, I will be out to everyone in the world. I pray for a time in our life when we will not have to be forced to come out, but that it is accepted as just normal. I hope that one day, we no longer need to feel ashamed and have to decide between sexuality and faith. Both are fluid. Both are needed in our walk with the Divine.

I don’t have all the answers now, but I don’t think anyone does. I think we all are trying to navigate life the best we can, regardless of our sexuality and faith. That’s the beauty of the world we live in. It is beautiful and messy, but so are we.