Don Jacobs
I first realized I was different when I was about 10 years old and had my first celebrity crush. But I didn’t understand my feelings at the time that I was drawn to this actor. Over time, I understood what these attractions were to the same-sex, and I knew I had to keep it a secret. I would go on secretly wanting to have a husband, start a family, have a home, and build a life together. But then I would get angry because I knew this could never happen for me... being gay was a sin. Just talking about these things would get me into a lot of trouble. So I tried keeping it a secret and just focused my attention on my relationship with God and serving in the church.
I grew up very involved with the church. I have family members who have served as preachers, musicians, and teachers. My family and I have been involved in church activities for years, youth group, church camps, Christian conferences, and more. I was surrounded by the Evangelical church community. Everyone, including myself, believed that homosexuality was a sin. It was never a “lifestyle” I wanted to adopt for myself. So I decided to focus on developing my relationship with God. Because I was choosing to “submitting myself to God” and “living my life in obedience to His Word”, I believed He would honor my choices to marry a woman and my same-sex attractions would eventually fade in the background and disappear. I believed this so strongly that at some point in my life, I had an ex-gay testimony. Folks who I shared about my same-sex attractions and struggles would ask me to share my experiences with one-on-one with other people they knew who struggled with the same thing. Apparently, I was good at making others believe I was being successful by identifying myself through my relationship with Christ and not my sexuality.
Because my same-sex attractions weren’t actually going away, I was seeing different Christian counselors at several points throughout my marriage. These therapist used many techniques from the ex-gay movement during our sessions. Some wanted to know how often I had impure thoughts about other men, wanted to know all the details for each sexual encounter I had with other men. Asked for every detail of my sexual activity and intimate moments I have ever shared with another person. Others believed if I would develop a better relationship with my same-sex parent, then my natural heterosexuality would begin to emerge. However at no point were these techniques helpful. The only thing I learned was how to hide my same-sex attractions better. It was very isolating.
It wasn’t until I came across a report about Exodus International closing its doors that I began to question my beliefs about sexuality. Exodus was a faith-based ministry that was known for helping folks “change” their sexual attractions from gay to straight. This news report had stated that Exodus International has reported a failure of 99%. The president gave an apology saying he was sorry for any of the trauma he or the organization has caused.
When this came out, somehow I felt less alone in the world. I began to question what I understood about what I was taught regarding my faith and sexuality. I came to understand that we as the church have been wrong about changing someone from gay to straight through a relationship with God. So if we were wrong about this, what else could the church have been wrong about? Pursuing the answer to that question has led me to accepting my orientation.
My favorite thing to do was to type in “Coming Out” or “Gay Christian” and search for YouTube videos of other peoples’ stories. I got to hear their struggles with their faith and sexuality. It amazed me how their experiences were so similar to my own. They described things I also had experienced in my life that I never shared with other people. Like me, they also were in Christian circles. They wanted to please God and their family. They wanted to change but never did. These individuals would talk about how difficult their journey has been and somehow I got to experience hope by hearing their stories.
Their stories allowed me to read books like “Walking the Bridgeless Canyon” by Kathy Baldock, “Unclobber” by Colby Martin, and “Changing Our Minds” by David P. Gushee. I would get connected with people through Q Christian, The Reformation Project, and CenterPeace. Also I joined MeetUp groups for LGBTQ people and activities which allowes me to be involved in a more affirming community.
It’s been about eight years since I have been questioning, studying, and praying about this process. And after about five years into that process, I decided to come out as a gay man. I’ve come to understand that our identities in Christ also includes our orientation. Since coming out, I have joined an affirming church and I’m leading a home study group. I started a new job that has protections for LGBTQ+ individuals like myself. I have an amazing community of people that support me daily. I’m serving on the leadership team for The Reformation Project Dallas/Ft Worth Chapter. I blog about LGBTQ+ issues in matters of faith and culture to share resources with other people that can relate to my situation (crazymadjourney.com). I share my story to help encourage others and give them hope. It has been a crazy ride sometimes throughout this process. I love meeting other gay fathers and talking about the challenges we have with raising our kids. I continue to be encouraged by the number of straight folks who are allies in this process. My relationships with others are so much more genuine throughout this process. God continues to demonstrate His love and mercy to me daily.