Elizabeth Willis
I have always considered myself queer (without using that word) in terms of gender performance, as I have always resisted stereotypical femininity, but it took me much longer to look at my sexuality. In the latter half of my 20s, I considered myself asexual, but it just didn't quite fit. In 2020, at age 30, I finally admitted to myself that I'm gay (attracted to women) and I want to find a female partner.
For a long time, I barely knew what it meant to be gay or lesbian, let alone any of the other parts of the LGBTQ+ spectrum, but I knew my church world and very Christian family believed it was a sin to be gay, or at least a sin to act on same-sex attraction, if one had such desires. There was a lot of ignorance and homophobia in my church communities during my childhood and youth.
As an adult, I met many beautiful people who identified as LGBTQ+, and I found myself irresistibly drawn to love them and enjoy them as they were. I couldn't bring myself to condemn them, even if I didn't know what I should think or do about their "lifestyle." Working at a summer camp (non-religious) that attracted a lot of LGBTQ+ participants and staff pushed me, then gave me permission, to love the queer community absolutely without ever trying to change them. Eventually, this love for others helped me find a way to allow and love my own queerness. When I finally got up the courage to bring that to God, I found that God was already there, waiting to receive me in that, elated to celebrate that part of me, eager to show me how it was part of Their plan for me from the beginning.
Once I started coming out of the closet (or the tomb, as it felt to me), the Queerology podcast was huge for me. Then I devoured books like Untamed by Glennon Doyle, Shameless by Nadia Bolz-Weber, The Universal Christ by Richard Rohr, and Beyond Shame by Matthias Roberts, which all really helped me. Later, I also found an LGBTQ Christians’ meetup group in my area. Finally, finding Q Christian Fellowship online and attending their virtual conference really changed my life. I made friends with other queer Christians and found the home I'd been looking for all along.
I have never felt more alive, whole, hopeful, or strong. I love myself truly, I am growing like crazy, and I am actively seeking new kinds of relationship I never allowed myself to even want before. My relationship with God is totally changed in the best way—deep trust, deep joy, deep freedom. I am definitely deconstructing my faith, and have no desire to go to church or perform my religion like I used to, but I feel like I am finally authentically engaged with God in a way that will bless me and the world. I am excited about my life and I am not afraid anymore.