Lois Olivia Ilona Smith
I became aware that something was different within me, around 12 or 13 years old. Just before I went to High School. I knew I was attracted to women, but I was so frightened by this, I suppressed it. I didn't come out until my late teens and early twenties. My family are from an Independent Baptist background in Scotland, and home life was extremely challenging. Every Sunday church service, it felt, somehow managed to put the issue of homosexuality into its sermons. It was devastating and traumatic. My immediate and many extended family believed that being LGBTQ+ is a choice and that I'm destined for hell. Some believe that my life is a celibate life but realise that I didn't choose my attractions. My late father told me that he prayed that God wouldn't make any of his kids gay. I realise now that God had other plans for me. Maybe prayers aren't answered in a certain way because the Lord sees that I can be an example–living a life that honors God–as a gay woman who puts Jesus first as well as being authentic.
Growing up, sexuality was never spoken about within my home context, so I wasn't aware until I started to realise my own journey. If being gay was brought up, it was full of anger within my parents voice. They didn't understand. All I heard was negative sermons within church, which scared me and also offended me. The message was don't be gay, but growing up I didn't quite understand in my head what LGBTQ+ was, so I just prayed my attractions was due to teenage hormones and it would pass.
My beliefs changed during my late teens and twenties when I knew that I was still gay. I decided to come out to a family member, and they have been great counsel to me as well as a much needed support. I gradually got around to coming out to my immediate family members and then close friends. My beliefs surrounding sexuality started to change when I realised the church decided to mandate my journey to celibacy, and I knew a life as a single woman wasn't my calling. I felt that my life as a gay woman was like I was being penilised for just existing, which I felt wasn’t fair. I often wish to ask straight married couples who don't agree with same-gender relations why they feel they can make a commitment but see gay folk as lusting in their hearts. Although I will be content if the Lord doesn't open a door to find a spouse and possibly of starting a family, that will be okay–I know I didn't choose my attractions, although I am aware I must be cautious of my behaviour, and I can control that. I believe as long as I am following the way of living that Jesus wants, then I'm on the right path. After dear friends got married a few years ago, I felt a real swell within my heart that one day it would be such a blessing to find someone who loves Jesus and wants a committed, lifelong relationship.
I bought a whole range of books that have helped me in my journey such as titles by Matthew Vines , Justin Lee, Amber Cantorna, Vicky Beeching, Andrew Marin, Karen Keen, and Colby Martin, just to name a few!
I'm in a transition period of moving into my apartment, which will make a real difference for my whole wellbeing. I am continually reading new books that I can take encouragement and real Scripture to put into practise when I am faced with opposition within conservative spaces. I have a real community of LGBTQ+ friends from across the UK whom I am so grateful for. They have been a listening ear when my family have found it difficult to have conservation with me. They will be with me for life and I'm so glad God works these things out. I know I am not alone. I also have friends who are dear allies and some friends who respectfully disagree with me and vice versa, but are trying to learn. I look forward to continually having these conversations with my loved ones even though it will be hard. I also know my immediate family will not change their beliefs, and I'm slowly coming to realise that I must respect their opinion. I have family who will show up at possible events, such as a wedding day and introducing possible little Smith's into the picture.