As a young boy, I never quite fit the societal mold of what a boy "should" be. Sure, I loved my Hot Wheels collection and Star Wars action figures, but I also liked to sing, dance, and play dress-up. I didn't like being put into a box, and I carefully tried to find ways to stretch normative gender boundaries. This would get me in trouble sometimes with adults and other kids.

So when I became conscious of my attraction to people of the same gender in middle school, I knew it was something I needed to keep to myself. I loved hanging with my guy friends and would spend hours on the phone or (in the earlier days of the Internet) instant messenger with them. I didn't quite understand what "gay" really meant at the time except having heard it as a pejorative or as a punchline.

In high school, I did some research on homosexuality to try and make sense of things. Then this really cute guy from school struck up a conversation with me on Myspace. He asked for my number and eventually asked me out. I was stunned! I had never been asked out by a guy before—much less by someone as popular as he was. We had an amazingly blissful albeit brief relationship. That's when I knew for sure that I was romantically attracted to guys.

I viewed my same-gender attraction as sin, something I needed to get under control, a temptation I needed to resist. Although I wasn't completely convinced that the Bible said that being gay was wrong, I didn't have any biblical examples of same-gender-loving people to look up to. Plus, I knew that my parents, the church, my community, and the world looked at homosexuality with such disgust. I thought since everyone hated it so much, it had to be wrong. I believed that my attraction to guys hurt God and would ultimately send me to hell. There was no way I could claim to be saved and have romantic relationships with guys. So, I tried very hard (and failed miserably) to resist my "unnatural urges." I believed being gay was a choice. After all, I was attracted to girls, too, and I could simply choose to date them instead.

When my same-gender attraction didn't subside over time, I expanded my research of homosexuality and the Bible. I found articles and blog posts critically engaging the biblical passages commonly used to condemn homosexuality. I developed a slightly more tolerant attitude concerning homosexuality but was definitely not at a place where I fully affirmed same-gender-loving people and relationships. I still held conservative views about marriage and never imagined myself getting married to a guy. I thought I would eventually settle down with a wife, have kids, and be "normal."

It was not until I got to divinity school that I really began my journey toward affirmation. It was there that I met scores of LGBTQ+ Christians who were out and proud. Rather than wrestle with my burning questions on my own, I got to have conversations with others who had gone through what I was going through. I had the opportunity to learn from amazing thinkers who answered many of the questions I had about sexuality, scripture, and spirituality. Perhaps most importantly, I saw the transformative, liberating power of God at work when LGBTQ+ people affirm themselves and are affirmed by others.

Eventually, I came to the understanding that God created LGBTQ+ people to be just as we are. It took me several years to finally realize and verbalize that I am bisexual. I eventually understood that while I had the freedom to choose who I want to be in a relationship with, I do not choose who I am attracted to. The reason why "praying the gay away" didn't work for me was because I was trying to edit God's handiwork. I am who God created me to be, and there's no need to try and change that!

My husband has been a huge part of my journey towards affirmation. When we first started dating, I was still hesitant about what my sexuality meant for my future. But I couldn't deny the beauty of our relationship. Being with him made me a better person and—this is the part that got me—a better Christian. I asked myself, if this relationship is so terribly sinful, why is it bearing such good spiritual fruit? Getting to know him and hearing his story encouraged me to take a look at my own journey. He came to a place of acceptance and affirmation quicker than I did but was patient with me as I figured things out for myself. I wouldn't be where I am now without him.

Today, my life is amazing. I no longer carry the shame and stress of trying to change who I am. The journey hasn't been an easy one. I have been fired from ministry work and disowned by family members. There have been opportunities that disappeared because I have chosen to live in my truth. But those closed doors only directed me to the path God has planned for me. Going through the fiery trials has refined and fortified me. I use this renewed strength to advocate for others, especially those who don't quite have the strength to fight for themselves. I have the privilege of teaching, ministering, and walking with LGBTQ+ siblings as they navigate their own journeys. My hope is that my story will make it a little easier for others to write theirs.