Mariam Ghanem

I first became aware of my sexuality when I was 6 years old, but probably even sooner. That is just the earliest memory that I have. I knew that I was different, but I didn't realize that there were other people like me or that there was even a word associated with who I was. I remember sitting in prayer as a young kid and feeling so guilty about who I was attracted to because everything and everyone was alluding to it being wrong. It wasn't until I was 10 and watched a television show with the word "gay" in it that I realized I wasn't alone and there was a name for who I was.

My story is a bit different. I actually grew up Muslim. I went to an Islamic private school in second and third grade. That is when I first heard about same-sex attraction being a sin. It was always instilled in me that it was abnormal, an abomination and displeasing to Allah. This brought extreme fear into my little mind... enough to keep me in the closet until my 20's. I, of course, was continuously told that it was sinful in every other religion, but I wholeheartedly believed that the "right" religion could change me and take the gay away. I actively sought out Christianity when my best friend invited me to church in college, hoping to find the answers and a way to finally change.

I left Islam when I was 20 years old for a lot of reasons, but one of the main ones being that I was still struggling with my sexuality and I desperately wanted to find the "right" religion and God to pray to. I was so hopeful that this would "take the gay away" once and for all. I started sharing my testimony in churches and was praised highly for it. I began serving in the church and even helped plant a church. I went on mission trips and led small groups. I did whatever I could to keep my mind away from being gay and convince myself that I wasn't. This put a ton of pressure on me and kept me closeted even more. After 8 years of still not being able to “pray the gay away” in Christianity, I realized that God made me just the way I was, and I had to accept that. I am not an anomaly or an abomination. I was fearfully and wonderfully made. I came out to my best friend a few years before I came out to anyone else. She was the person that led me to Christ and was by my side through everything. I knew that if I had her support, I could confidently come out. And that's exactly what happened.

I wasn't ever completely against homosexuality. I did however think that if I convinced myself to believe that it was wrong, then I would stray away from it. I was just scared of what other people would think of me and their judgment. I let them convince me that I would go to hell, even though deep down I knew I didn't believe that. The biggest resource that helped me come out was realizing that I had the support from my closest friends and family. I lost family when I left Islam, so the circle of influence that I built after that was extremely important to me, and they have always been extremely supportive of me. I do have friends that are completely silent about me coming out, but that silence is so loud in my mind. I cannot comprehend how somebody doesn't accept me for something that I cannot change. It's like being told that they don't accept me because I am Middle Eastern.

My life now is moving forward in a much more positive light. I have always felt deceitful and dishonest because I was constantly lying about the biggest part of me. This created a lot of unnecessary anxiety in me. I dated a guy because I believed that there was a huge possibility that I just hadn't had the right connection yet with a man to feel attracted to them. When I realized that wasn't the case, I broke it off and did a lot of self reflection and deconstruction. I quite literally took the biggest breath of relief in my life when I came out, and I realized that I didn't give the closest people in my life enough credit about accepting me. I finally feel completely and unconditionally loved by God, my loved ones, and myself.