Payton Thornton
I was 12 years old and had spent my entire life in the Texas Panhandle when I first realized that my heart was a little different. My father was a high school football coach and I grew up around the tough-as-nails Texas football culture, so I didn’t have a lot of space to contemplate my queerness in those days. I focused mostly on conformity and doing what I was told. This included keeping the discovery that I was gay to myself after trying to come out to a close friend at age 13 and receiving a poor reaction. Years of hearing fire and brimstone beliefs on homosexuality and getting teased at church camp for being feminine led me to lock down my identity and deny the tug of my heart. I was scared and did not envision a day where I would ever live out and proud, as gay marriage was still not legal in Texas. Most of the cultural values in my community created animus towards our community, and I was socialized to believe that something was wrong with me.
From as early as I can remember, I was standing at the front of the small Methodist church in my rural hometown and leading the congregation in prayer. I felt a deep spiritual intimacy my entire life and was desperate to do right by my parents and those who raised me in the church. Eventually, this resulted in me picking up the animus that the church had toward homosexuality, and I began to internalize the guilt associated with being consistently told that I was a sinner. I believed that there was no avenue for me to ever be in a fulfilling relationship that honored God. This led me to voluntarily participate in conversion therapy, for I truly desired and believed I could change who I was. I was broken and lost and caught between living authentically and desperately trying to be someone who I was not.
In the year since, I have taken giant leaps of faith to shine my light. I moved across the country on a bus after a poor reception when I finally came out. Today, I don’t have a relationship with much of my family and those in my rural community back in Texas. However, it was in the process of taking that deep breathe and showing my love to the world that I sharpened my relationship with God under the fire. It was in these moments that God has shown me how beautifully and wonderfully made I am, and it is here that God has shown the purpose for my queerness. I now know with confidence that I had to climb this mountain to know truly the heartbreak and hopelessness that the world faces today, further emphasizing how much we need God’s love.
During my senior year of high school, I met often with my youth pastor. He was instrumental in helping me discover that my identity was something that God would use to shine a light. I have been a member of the QCF for about 6 years now, and finding community with other gay Christians helped tremendously. More than anything, staying in constant prayer and connection with God has been my rock in discovering the beauty of my identity. I am all who They say I am, and I am eternally grateful to have found that affirmation through continuous communion with God.
Today, I am a happy and healthy law student. I am a beloved child, an advocate, and a friend to all. I stand up for those in my community and those outside of it when I see injustice around me. I no longer allow the lord the enemy places in this world to dictate how I express my love, which my God tells me is the greatest commandment. I celebrate diversity, love others with everything I have, and fight everyday tone a positive representation for those kids who are still stuck in West Texas being told that their love isn’t acceptable. I am proud of who I am and how my tribulations have furthered my relationship with my God, instead in inhibiting it. I look forward to the future and what I am able to accomplish through knowing that I am exactly who They made me to be.