For as long as I can remember, I have known I was gay. There is no real defining moment that made me aware. It is just something that has always been with me. The earliest that I can remember understanding what being gay was and realizing that I was gay was probably around when I was ten or eleven. I came to the understanding that I was gay (and eventually bisexual) pretty fast, and that was that. And that was something I carried in secret for at least 12 years because although I was certain of my sexuality, I did not ever really understand the concept of being openly gay, especially in the midst of being raised in a conservative and traditional Christian family.

Admittedly, until probably six months ago, I did not think LGBTQ+ Christians were real. Honestly, I don’t even think I really considered the possibility. Knowing my sexuality from such a young age (even if I did not choose to fully embrace it) did give me the view that LGBTQ+ people were made by God just the way they were. I was always skeptical of the arguments that LGBTQ+ people chose their path of sin because I knew that being queer was just part of who I was to some degree. Despite that, I was not really exposed to queer people, and all I knew was that the church did not like them for some reason and that I meant that I should probably stay where I was, safe in the closet.

My beliefs have radically transformed as I have grown deeper in my walk of faith. Time and time again, I see God’s mercy and provision and how He has carefully cultivated my life to lead me right where I am. I grew from a place of indifference and avoidance of queer people/issues (because in my mind, being associated with such things would result in people automatically targeting me as gay, ripping me from the closet) to a posture of celebrating queerness as a beautiful gift. Queerness was no longer the burden I once believed it could be, but it was a gift to be celebrated because it was given to me intentionally by a loving and powerful God. As I have journeyed through the coming out process, I have seen how the testimony of my faith and the testimony of my sexuality are not two mutually exclusive stories but one powerful and intertwined narrative that continuously points back to the grace of a merciful God. I have seen the power of the testimony of queer Christians and how despite the struggle and persecution that we face, we still choose to seek and honor Jesus because He is so worth it. When an entire institution tells us no, we still pursue Him so deeply and so beautifully and show His love in a way that masterfully demonstrates what the kingdom of God is meant to look like.

The biggest resource that has honestly changed the trajectory of my life was Q Christian Fellowship. Prior to finding QCF, I had a pretty strong faith and desire to serve God, even believing that God may be calling me to ministry as a career. When I decided to come out, I began to fear that other queer Christians just did not exist. The false dichotomy of queerness and Christianity had been so ingrained in my heart that I believed I was one of the only ones who had reconciled those two which was an extremely isolating and distressing feeling because through college, I had learned the power and necessity of Christian community. I remember praying to God that if I was going to move forward with coming out, He needed to guide me to queer Christian community, and within a few days, a friend of mine shared an Instagram story of a QCF post, and within a couple of weeks, I had signed up for my first QCF conference. Conference is what ultimately skyrocketed my faith to a new level and opened my eyes to the pure and raw beauty of queer Christian community and has led to me pursuing it deeper and seeking it out in new ways.

Now I have come to a point where I feel the most myself that I have ever felt in my life. One verse that I keep coming back to is Matthew 11:28-30 where Jesus talks about lying down our yoke and burden to take on His which is easy. For me, sexuality was a burden that I carried for well over a decade. As I have gone on this journey, I have learned however that surrendering the burden of being gay does not mean that I am giving up who I am, but instead I am surrendering my queerness to God so that He can use it to transform me into who He created me to be. Embracing my queerness does not make me any less of a Christian. I still have the same desire to pursue ministry and to serve Jesus with my life and career. In fact, embracing my queerness has allowed God to refine my calling as He calls me to serve in ministry to queer people and in defense of queer people who have long been burned and hurt by Christian communities. Being gay and Christian is one of the best gifts of my life and despite the struggles that each brings, they are both so worth it. My queerness has deepened my faith in such tremendous ways, and my journey is the testimony of a God who loves, fights for, cherishes, and uplifts. Even though my future may be uncertain as I continue along my journey, I will blaze on because I have time and time again experienced the pure awesomeness of God’s plan coming to fruition.