Often though, the journey towards accepting my sexuality was exactly that–a journey. For every two steps forward, I took one step back. Although I had convinced myself after the research paper that I could live life as a queer woman without condemnation from God, the belief that homosexuality was “bad” was still ingrained in me…Simply put, the deconstruction of deeply ingrained Evangelical theological beliefs is hard.

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I like to think of myself a “One-Twelve” Christian. Before I explain that, let me provide some background. I’m Colin, a gay man in my mid 60s from New Zealand. My parents were loving Christian ministers who modeled what it meant to be Christ-followers. While I never questioned the existence of God and accepted that I was loved, I knew from my teens that I was attracted to men.

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Growing up in the Methodist Church should have been a safer place to talk to a pastor about my questions of gender and sexuality, but it proved not to be so. My camp counselors outed me to my parents when I was 16 years old against my will, and left me with no support and nowhere to turn. I slid into a decade of depression and self loathing.  

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Change? That meant acknowledging I was different. Difference was a source of pride as child. Whether it was in pursuit of academic excellence, a rejection of peer pressure, or a sense of Divine purpose, I never, ever hoped to be normal…I was just different, more so than I ever imagined.

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From age 9 to about 26, I prayed every day that God would take away my sexual cravings, femininity, and anything else that would distort my sexuality. I was attracted to woman from time to time, but men caught my eye more often than not. As my continuous prayers and persistent fasting had no effect to purge my sexuality of any deficiencies. I grew increasingly angry and hopeless. God was not willing to accept my petitions for change. 

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