Caitlyn Sanders

I always loved being asked "when did I become aware of my sexuality" or "how did you know" questions because at a very young age my family would actually consider me boy crazy (my first boyfriend was a 4 year relationship). I went to a private Baptist school in a very small town where same sex was never a topic of discussion. I remember when the Spice Girls were together and very popular, I was fascinated by Sporty Spice. I had magazine clippings and posters of her all over my walls. When I reflect back on it, I was attracted to her. I had always looked at girls like that but obviously didn't understand it. I had a best friend at 13 whose mother was in a same sex relationship and when I saw them together, it felt so normal. I was comfortable and safe around them that I could be myself in their home. I tried really hard to keep having boyfriends, being gay wasn't safe for me in my little small town. I kept my sexuality hidden until I was 18 and moved away to another city for college that I fully came out as a lesbian.

I was surrounded by religion growing up. My parents weren't religious but I was raised Catholic because my mother grew up that way and went to a private Baptist school because it offered better education. I kept myself in church and floated around different youth groups. Even though the LGBTQ+ community wasn't talked about until I was about 13 years old I had a pretty good understanding of what they taught from the Bible. LGBTQ+ Christians were no where to be found where I lived. Though I was immersed in a religious culture, I never could look at someone as if they were going to hell. I couldn't understand or believe how God could do that to someone. I had all these people telling me differently when that topic would come up but if Jesus loved the little children, all of them, how could someone go to hell? I was actually going to this Pentecostal church at one time and I kept asking all of these questions about hell and why people went there if God loved us and no one could really answer me. It made me question if I even wanted to believe in a God like that.

You know in the Bible where Jacob wrestled with someone. A lot of people say he wrestled with God, some with an angel but I believe Jacob really wrestled with himself. He wrestled with who he was and who he was called to be. That was me. My faith came in waves, sometimes it was no where near the shore, sometimes, it crashed in like a Tsunami. I claimed atheism/agnostic from about 18-25 years old. When I came out as a lesbian and all everyone ever told me was that I was going to hell, I just didn't want to believe in God. It wasn't until my marriage to my first wife ended that I was extremely depressed and started using again that I attempted to unalive myself. In an obvious unsuccessful attempt, I went BACK to the church just looking for something. I sat in a service and gave this God an ultimatum, fix me or leave me alone, and I was met with love and kindness. I stepped into salvation again at the cost of my sexuality. I became a part of a charismatic church who believed the act of homosexuality was the sin and not so much being a homosexual, so I kept myself celibate and out of relationships for about 5 or 6 years.

I was a pastor and over the youth group at my church for a few years when I decided I couldn't deny who I was anymore. I was disgusted that I could stand at a pulpit and claim "deliverance" over something that I didn't need to be delivered from. It was a life or death moment for me, where I chose to live again! I came back out but at this time it was at the cost of my church family, a price I didn't know that I would have to pay. I was removed from the church and my ordination taken away and that was a really painful season for me. On one hand, I was the happiest I had been in a long time because I was finally able to be MYSELF again where on the other hand, I was consumed with the pain of rejection and abandonment from a community that I deeply loved! I began to deconstruct from those toxic indoctrinations that I held on to for so long and gave myself to come into the fullness of who I am now. I utilized therapy that has been an amazing resource, the support of my most beautiful wife, and finding a church that was affirming that I could begin to love and trust the body of Christ again.

It has always been a prayer of mine, that I would continue to become the most healthiest (and happiest) version of myself. That I would continue to move in authenticity and vulnerability. This process has not been easy, though I know many in my shoes could say the same exact thing. There has been so much pain but it has been met with so much grace that I knew that it would all be completely worth it one day, and it has been. I am now surrounding myself with people who genuinely love me and see me for who I am. People who lift me up and celebrate me. I am married to the most wonderful woman who has stood by my side while I went through this process. She never once questioned my feelings or emotions, has held me through tears, anger, and panic attacks She has been such an encouragement. I am even more in love with Jesus and all of His kindness that He has given me and continues to give. I have embraced this beautiful identity as beloved and nothing can take that away from me... Not again. I am loved in my queerness and now I get to see so many like me embrace that love as well. My heart is full.