I've been trans female my entire life but didn't have the language or understanding until 5 years ago. Much of this time, I was preoccupied with seeking approval in my career and family. As a 2 on the Enneagram I have been a people pleaser, many times to the detriment of self care.

Growing up in a conservative Christian denomination, I believed what we were taught... being LGBTQ was sin and condemned by God.

I believed everything I was taught and didn't learn to question the disconnects I observed playing out in my environment. The standard of perfection was put out there to aspire to even though it is unattainable.

The Bible teaches God's unconditional love and although that should be the standard, what I saw demonstrated was not the love I expected. When I came out as a trans woman to my church, I was left alone. No one called, no one came to visit, and I was told via email I could no longer serve. Let's just say I wasn't feeling the love.

One thing I've come to understand is that context and interpretation matter. If we use very strict and sometimes erroneous interpretations of scripture we can make it mean anything we want it to. I think about the "Clobber Passages" specifically. Those 5 or 6 verses have been usd as a weapon to do real damage to people for years.

If we truly believe people have inherent value and worth because they are created by God, how can we make the judgments we do and write people off? It is inconceivable to me today.

My transformation took many hours of study and prayer and some deep work around values and ethics. Authors like Amber Cantora, Justine Lee, David Gushee, Colby Martin, and others sharing their stories and insight really helped me a great deal. I no longer think it’s okay to blame it all on sin. Some churches don’t even use the term any longer because of the baggage it carries. I’d much rather talk about grace and acceptance and how we can align our lives in a way that honors all people, understanding our brokenness as part of the human condition. The thoughts and feelings we have dictate our actions. To get a new result, we must come to grips with the thoughts and feelings that drive our actions.

Sometimes, that means digging deep into our character and figuring out what our values and ethics really are. As someone who grew up in a very conservative “churched” family, I thought I had a pretty good handle on these things until I looked for evidence in my own life and discovered some of the stuff I thought I believed was aspirational based on who I thought I “should” be. 

Once I realized this trend and began to question everything, I discovered it was uncomfortable not knowing… living in question and accepting the mystery. As I got more curious, things began to align.  As I asked questions of myself, and looked for evidence of the answers, it was easier to articulate the results. What I found is that I moved from aspirational values and ethics to my true values and ethics.

That journey, as difficult as it is, freed me to be more authentic and resilient than I’ve ever been in my life. It produced a level of confidence I had not known. So now I can show up authentically in most any space and be okay when others don’t share my views, values, or ethics. It’s made me more curious… and it’s okay. I tend not to become offended, and it puts me in a space where I can genuinely appreciate others with differing points of view. It also opens the door to more productive dialogue. 

Coming out for me was well received by most of the people around me but for my church family who essentially disappeared. I still long for community, and although COVID has certainly played a big part, it is one of the things I look forward to the most.