Unoma Azuah

I grew up being aware of both my grandmother’s traditional religious beliefs and her strong sense of customary spirituality, as well as my mother’s strict Christian principals. I was also raised both Catholic and Anglican. In spite of the religious conflicts and the religious diversity in all the religious beliefs I embraced as I child, I always loved Jesus Christ and his brand of the gospel: the brand of loving the downtrodden, the condemned and the sick and the needy. However, my faith was tried several times through the abusive Christian deliverances to exorcise me of lesbianism. At one point, during one of the deliverance sessions, I was almost raped by the pastor conducting the deliverance. Though I escaped that horror, I questioned God and all the contradictions I witnessed during these sessions. For instance, one of the Bible passages the pastor kept chanting was from Psalm 7: 11. I remember it so vividly because it bounced around my head and tormented me for a long time:

God is a righteous judge and always condemns the wicked. If they do not change their ways, God will sharpen his sword. He bends his bow and makes it ready; he takes up his deadly weapons and aims his burning arrows. See how wicked people think up evil; they plan trouble and practice deception. But in the traps they set for others, they themselves get caught. So they are punished by their own evil and are hurt by their own violence.

I was confused. I did not only find it contradictory, I found it deceitful and full of lies.  I was the victim. He had no right to the moral and judgmental pedestal he mounted. I did not let the story end there. I explored the same book of Psalm and found my prayers in Psalm 7:1-8.

O Lord, my God, I come to you for protection; rescue me and save me from all who pursue me, or else like a lion they will carry me off where no one can save me, and there they will tear me to pieces. O Lord, my God, if I have wronged anyone, if I have betrayed a friend or without cause done violence to my enemy - if I have done any of these things, then let my enemies pursue me and catch me, let them cut me down and kill me and leave me lifeless on the ground! Rise in your anger, O Lord! Stand up against the fury of my enemies; rouse yourself and help me! Justice is what you demand, so bring together all the peoples around you, and rule over them from above.  You are the judge of all people. Judge in my favor, O Lord; you know that I am innocent.

I cling unto these words as I continue to discover the paths of love found in Jesus Christ. I found peace in Christ and my sexuality never diminished His love for me. I never doubted Christ’s love for me even when I was and still am surrounded by many who couldn’t and can’t recognize the beauty of God in me… that I am perfect in his name… that I am made in his image… and that He loves me just as I am, perfect and complete in His mighty name.

(An excerpt from my forthcoming Memoir, Embracing My Shadow: growing up lesbian in Nigeria: https://www.beatentrackpublishing.com/?ref=embracingmyshadow.)