Vicky

I was 8 when I heard my mom's best friend whisper to her (talking about me), “Don't you think that it's a sign that she is gay?”, talking about the fact that I dressed like a boy and acted like one. I think this is when I knew I was different. And my mom answered, “Oh no not my sweet Vicky!” And this is when I knew that it was not ok.

I didn't think much of it I think until my last year of high school when I almost kissed one of my best friends, and then thought about that almost kiss like all the time for the next week!

I grew up in an Evangelical family who thought that being gay was the most horrible sin ever, and I heard that preached all the time at my church, so me being gay was not even a question. I was so in love with God, so how could I be that in the same time? I just always repressed it as much as I could.

Even after I kissed my best friend in Bible school when I was 17, I just asked God to forgive me for this sin and help me not to do it again, but knew I was not gay. And then it happened again, and again, and then more... but we would always ask God to forgive us pretending that it was a sin we had fallen into, but we weren't gay for anyone else. Then, after many years of that with that same person, I had enough of always lying and hiding who I was. I was seeing my brother and sisters be so happy with their spouse/boyfriend and me not being able to show how much I loved her, so I prayed and begged God to take her away from me, because I could never leave her, and the thought of coming out was not even a possibility.

Then she met someone, a Christian man, someone great for her, and she married him. I then fell apart, and I left the church at the same time for many personal reasons, and I put everything that I knew about God, the Bible, Jesus, etc. in doubt. I asked God to show me the truth–that was what I was going after. And after one year of searching for answers, realizing how women were beautiful, letting myself be amazed by their beauty, reading books like God and the Gay Christian, The Bible Tells Me So, watching Vicky Beeching's interviews, reading blogs, writing to a well-known artist in the Francophone Christian community who came out few years before me, and getting in touch with Generous Space ministries. I finally was able to come out as gay and proud to be, first to my family who welcomed me saying that this was a sin, and then to the community of beloved brothers and sisters in Christ who told me I was an abomination and that I was not saved, and that they didn't agree with my choice.

My family love and accept me today even though I know they still think it's a sin because they’ve never said otherwise. Unfortunately, none of my former Christian friends who are still Christian today ever told me that they thought–like me–that being gay was not a sin, and they don't really talk to me anymore or ask me about my life. I still believe in a God (much different from the one I learned about in church), but am not a religious person anymore. I'm still very spiritual and I feel this deep love that helped me get through it all and accept myself with pride. I know that this was the best decision I could have ever made, and I'm finally tasting what peace and acceptance really feel like. I'm now in love with an amazing woman, and we have been together for 2 years with our beautiful, annoying dog and our independent cat!

Life is beautiful, and God is love.